The first part of his book explores these concepts. It aids the reader in figuring out which situations are best ignored—and how to learn to do that, and which ones require action. In the second portion, Forni outlines more than 100 real-life scenarios with a suggested response.
Responding to rudeness
Sometimes self respect dictates that we must respond firmly to an act of rudeness. Whether it is a neglectful service employee or an intrusive family member, we have to set our boundaries and protect them.
Forni has a formulated strategy to use when confrontation is necessary. It is called the SIR Sequence and is summarized as follows:
■State the facts.
■Inform the other person of the impact he or she had on you.
■Request the behavior not be repeated.
He also points out the importance of attending to these matters in a timely manner so you won’t have to deal with it again and again. “Do so politely, firmly, and unapologetically,” he writes.
Responding in kind is never an option though. “However tempting it may be, to retort with rudeness or sarcasm, it provides only momentary relief and satisfaction,” he says.
“The aim is not to just be happy with your response today, but a week from now—a year from now.”
Grandchildren and bullies
With more and more stories about vicious bullying in schools today, many grandparents likely worry about how their grandchildren are navigating the hostile landscape. The good news is there may be a way they can help.
“There are two reasons children with good relational skills are less bullied,” explains P.M. Forni, author of The Civility Solution, What to Do When People Are Rude. “One, they can make friends, and children with friends are less likely to be bullied. Second, these children are more likely to talk about the bullying, which can help put these incidents to an end earlier.”
If grandparents live near their grandchildren, they have the opportunity to play a very important role in providing training in relational skills and manners that parents often don’t have the time—or possibly the inclination—to provide in today’s busy world.
The dinner table is a great place to start. Forni explains that teaching manners at the dinner table helps children learn moral behavior. He gives the example of a mother telling Johnny to chew with his mouth closed because others don’t enjoy looking at his half-chewed food.
It’s not only a simple rule of using good manners, but over time it also teaches him that his actions have consequences and he should care about that. That is the basis of ethical behavior.
“Learning table manners was actually a primer for helping to groom youngsters to become ethical agents,” Forni says. “That’s why the demise of the family dinner has meant that ethical behavior has suffered. If manners are taught well, they’re always a primer for moral philosophy.”