Typical mistakes parents make
Temlock’s trying to fix her child’s marriage is a common mistake. Specifically, she encouraged couples counseling. “A psychologist friend told me later that if I was going to suggest anything, it should have been individualized counseling; that might have helped prepare my child for what was going to happen,” she says.
Providing financial aid is another typical response to children’s divorce. “I interviewed one mother who kept pouring money into the marriage to try and keep it afloat. Then she found out that money was going to her son’s drug habit,” Temlock says.
About the grandchildren
“During divorce, grandparents can be a valuable source of stability, emotional support, and sometimes financial help to grandkids,” Booth says.
But when divorce happens, grandparents may find their role drastically changed. “If a former daughter-in-law now sees your son as someone nasty, it’s not unusual for her to blame his parents,” Booth says. That can lead to problems seeing your grandkids.
Your own child might be the problem. “The ex may be so badly hurt, they see any communication with the in-law—even through the children—as disloyalty,” Temlock says.
“You can ask your child if they’ll put something in the divorce settlement about your visitation rights. It won’t necessarily hold up, but it has more legs if it’s included,” Temlock adds. But, she warns, “Parenting rights take precedence over grandparents’ rights.”
What you should do
“Allow your child to function as an adult. Offer to help, but wait to be asked; don’t be a ‘buttinski,’” Alberti says. Even if asked for help, set limits. Temlock recognizes it can be hard to draw the line between supporting your child and turning a blind eye to his or her flaws which might have helped dissolve the marriage.
“Maybe one of the best things we can do as wise adults, is turn our youngsters to outside resources, instead of just pulling out the checkbook,” Alberti says. Remember that pouring money into your child’s marriage can cause your own hardships—financial, if you can’t really afford it, and emotional, if you and your spouse disagree on limits.
Always consider your own health. “Only do what you can comfortably. If your child now needs you for baby-sitting, don’t become a substitute nanny,” Hemlock says.
The rest of the family
“The family and other people are looking to you for their behavioral cues,” Hemlock says. “If you’re badmouthing the ex, everyone else will. Remember your grandkids will likely hear it, and that will only cause dissension,” she adds.
Don’t expect everyone to fall under the banner of family loyalty. “For example, your sons may still want to hang out with their former brother-in-law,” Temlock says. If your child eventually remarries someone you’re not fond of, “Keep contact to a minimum. Otherwise, again, you’ll only create friction,” she says.
Be prepared to go through various stages, like grief and denial. But remember, “Divorce isn’t the worst thing that can happen to people. Think of poverty or substance abuse, for example,” Alberti says.