“The Civility Center is both an academic enterprise and an advocacy group that tries to understand what civility is, the costs of incivility, and the relevance of civil behavior in contemporary society,” says Dr. P. M. Forni, professor of romance languages and literature at Johns Hopkins, and cofounder of the center.
“The teaching of restraint that was the staple of the family has undergone a steady decline in the last couple of generations. As a society we have been very good at teaching self-esteem, and that is a good thing. It keeps us sane,” he says.
‘Cage of narcissism’
“But when we see children with an oversize portion of self-esteem, we create children that are self-absorbed. They think the world revolves around them, and it is difficult for them to be kind and considerate. While we have been good at teaching self-esteem, we have not been good at teaching self-control or restraint. We have created a couple of generations of children who are trapped in a cage of narcissism,” Forni explains.
Civility takes on different form
But all is not lost for this generation and those that follow, because there are heartening signs, according to Forni. “Civility may be in decline; however, we usually forget there are many other forms of deference and respect. As an example, the number of youngsters who willingly give up their seat on the bus to a pregnant woman may be lower today. However, when that woman steps into the workplace, the number of men who take her seriously is much higher than in my father’s generation,” he says.
“Also, ten years ago, the discourse on civility was not part of the national agenda. Now it is. Google the subject and you’ll see hundred of schools and school districts where manners are part of the curriculum. This would not have happened a decade ago,” he adds.
Older adults were raised at a time when good manners and civility were taught routinely in the home. Today, their grandchildren can learn so much from them. Whether you live far away from your grandchildren, or just around the corner, you can find many ways to develop strong and meaningful relationships with them.
Grandparents’ influence
For example, connect with your grandchildren routinely through letters, telephone calls, and e-mail, regardless of how far away they may be. At the same time, encourage their parents to allow them to call you, even if it is simply to say hello.
Read to your grandchildren, even if you are far away. Simply pick a book you think they might enjoy and record it on tape or DVD. Make it even more special by reading a book that was a favorite of their mother or father.
‘Training wheels of altruism’
Whether they are taught by parents or they adopt manners from relationships with others, young people should place a lot of value on being polite. “Good manners are the training wheels of altruism,” Forni says.